All Around Me - Follow Your Heart

[Dano]

Jeannie sat up. Laying on the floor of her Grandmother's house next to her girlfriend, watching TV, she suddenly realized...

"Doug, where'd Tommy go?"

* * * * *

It was snowing. He'd been gone for about an hour now, saying he was going for a walk around to the barn and back. It just hit Doug now that he'd forgotten his coat.

"I'll go get Dad and Pat."

* * * * *

Mike Connor and his brother Pat had been out in the barn themselves, looking at their father's old Cadillac. Bonding in a quiet, easy way that growing up together had brought on. They didn't see each other often enough, but when they did...

"Dad, Pat, have you seen Tommy?"

* * * * *

Jeannie and Zoe were running about 20 yards into the trees on the south side of the farm, down by the creek, which had iced over.

"Tom?"
"Tommy?"
"Tom?"

* * * * *

Doug and Kay had headed down the driveway to the road in the car, in case he had wandered down thinking he was going to go into town.

"Damn! What happened?"

* * * * *

Carol sat in the kitchen, staring at the back door with Marsha and her mother-in-law, Grace. Susan, Marsha's daughter, was on the phone with her husband, an sherrif's deputy. He was on-duty today, and she had called to ask if he'd take a look around for Tom.

"Yeah, he said he'd swing this way and keep an eye out."

* * * * *

Mike and Pat walked down to the ravine where the kids had played in days gone by. Coming from the north, they could hear Jeannie and Zoe's shouts from the south. They had probaby followed the creek.

"That boy better be ok."

* * * * *

Tom lay slumped down below a large tree, unconscious. It was a tree they had all played around when they were younger, climbing on it, swinging on the tire-swing. There was blood on the trunk, in fist-shaped spots. It also coated his broken hands. He had stripped off his clothes and was starting to turn blue. In his fever-dream, he kept mumbling...

"Thank you..."

[gollum]

my first thought is that it reminds me of being at those parties where you have to keep an eye on yr drunk friends..."what do you mean Dave went to get a drink? there are no drinking fountains downstairs..."

my second thought is that the part about him having no coat on reminds me of the story you posted on STP, about the guy who's girlfriend cheated on him...

my third thought is "oh shit!1 i bet this ties in the last segment of the story!1"

so what i wanna know is, why'd he do it? why'd Thomas "go for a walk" and end up under the tree having some wonky vision? is he hypothermic, or is blue his natural color? most of all, what happens next?

it seemed a little choppy, and although that seems intentional, it sort of disrupted my own chain of thoughts. it's not that i felt that the segments needed transition, it's that they themselves felt rather abrupt, more like captions than paragraphs or descriptions...*shrug* i don't quite know how to explain it. but a little more--dialogue, maybe, or thoughts, or something. description, even. it just seemed too choppy.

happy? now go to bed.

-g

------------------
Sometimes i think everyone on this board is crazy. The rest of the time i'm sure. -Dan
somehow i see [gollum] clinging to a tower and rousingly calling for a new world order. -starky

would you forgive me
for hanging up on you
and crying myself to sleep

[Oz]

Ditto gollum with an emphasis on the confusion. HOWEVER! When I got to the end, and I saw the tree part, I was delighted. I loved how this tied in and it also made a lot of sense. My only beef is the section leading up to it... its hard to get. I'll go back and re read knowing what I know now, but I dont think it'll help. Regardlss, I loved this! Im glad you finally got it done!

[Ersby]

Like the structure too. Description, line of dialogue, description, dialogue. Simple and rythmic.